The Thing You Keep Going Back To

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D E V O T I O N A L

I sat in the same spot I always sit in when I do this.

Head in my hands, quiet, that heavy feeling in my chest that shows up every single time. Because I had done it again. The same thing. The thing I had promised God, and myself, that I was done with. The thing I had confessed with real tears and real intention not that long ago, fully believing that time was the last time.

And here I was again. Same struggle. Same shame. Same tired prayer forming in my mouth that I almost felt embarrassed to pray one more time.

You know the feeling. You have got your own version of it. The habit. The temptation. The pattern you keep swearing you are finished with, right up until you find yourself back in it, wondering how many times you can possibly come back to God with the same apology before He finally gets fed up with you.

Let me tell you what I have learned about that, because it changed everything for me.

There is a moment where Peter comes to Jesus and asks a question a lot of us are secretly asking about ourselves. How many times do I have to forgive someone who keeps sinning against me? Up to seven times? Peter probably thought he was being generous. And Jesus says, not seven times, but seventy times seven.

Now Jesus was talking about how we forgive other people. But sit with the math of it for a second. If that is the standard God sets for how you and I are supposed to forgive, do you honestly think God holds Himself to a lower one? If He tells us to forgive seventy times seven, how much more is He willing to forgive us?

The number was never meant to be literal. It was Jesus' way of saying stop counting. Forgiveness that keeps a tally is not really forgiveness. And the God who told you to stop counting other people's offenses is not sitting in heaven counting yours.

Here is what shame wants you to believe. It wants you to believe that your repeat struggle has worn out your welcome. That the first few times God forgave you, sure, but now that you are back again with the same thing, His patience is running thin and His grace is wearing out. Shame wants to keep you away from the very throne where your help actually comes from.

But Lamentations 3:22-23 says something that dismantles that lie completely. "The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning."

His mercies begin afresh each morning. Not each morning until you have used up your allotment. Not fresh until you cross some invisible line where He decides you should have figured this out by now. Every single morning, brand new, no matter what yesterday held. The mercy available to you today is not diminished by how many times you needed it before.

Now I want to be careful here, because grace is not permission to stop fighting. The goal is real freedom, and God absolutely wants to break the pattern, not just keep pardoning it. But here is the thing most of us get backwards. We think we have to defeat the struggle before we are allowed to come back to God. It is the opposite. Coming back to God is how the struggle eventually gets defeated. You do not clean yourself up to earn your way to Him. You come to Him and let Him do the cleaning, over time, with patience, as many times as it takes.

The shame that keeps you away from God is not conviction. Conviction draws you toward Him. Shame drives you away from Him. One is from the Spirit and one is from the enemy, and learning to tell the difference will change your entire walk. Conviction says come home and let's deal with this together. Shame says you are too far gone to bother going home at all. Do not confuse the two.

So if you are sitting there today with your own version of head in hands, back again with the same thing, embarrassed to pray the same prayer one more time, I want you to hear this clearly. Pray it anyway. Come back anyway. His arms are not crossed. His mercy is not rationed. And the fact that you keep coming back, even after falling again, is not evidence of weak faith. It is evidence that something in you refuses to give up, and that something is the very thing God is going to use to set you free.

Do not let the enemy talk you out of the throne room. Get back up. Come home. Again. As many times as it takes.

Much love and blessings,

Ramzi

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Writing these devotionals is a labor of love, and your support makes it possible. If Coffee With My Father has encouraged you, consider buying me a coffee. Every contribution helps me keep sharing hope and truth each week.

Family

If you keep falling short in the same ways with your family, patience, temper, presence, do not let shame make you withdraw. Own it, keep showing up, and let them see what it looks like to keep trying instead of giving up.

Relationships

We all have patterns that show up in our relationships that we are not proud of. Growth is rarely a straight line. Give yourself the same grace God gives you, and keep working on it honestly.

Mental Health

Shame spirals are dangerous, and a repeated struggle can feed a brutal cycle of self-condemnation. If you are stuck in that loop, please talk to someone. Freedom often comes through support, not just willpower, and there is no shame in getting help.

Finances

Maybe your repeat struggle is financial, the same spending patterns, the same mistakes. Condemning yourself has never once fixed it. Grace plus a fresh start plus real steps forward is how change actually happens.

Physical Health

Struggles with food, habits, or discipline often carry a heavy load of shame. Every morning really is a fresh start. You have not failed permanently. You have simply arrived at another new morning with new mercy available.

His mercies are new every morning. Not until you run out. Every morning. Come home again.

Lord, I come back to You again today, with the same struggle I have brought before, and I thank You that Your mercy has not run out. Thank You that You are not counting my offenses or growing tired of my return.

Break this pattern in me. Not through shame, but through Your patient, relentless love. Help me tell the difference between conviction that draws me close and shame that pushes me away. And give me the courage to keep coming home, as many times as it takes, until I am finally free. Amen.